At this point in my life, I am 100% sure that you do not know who you truly are until you are at least thirty. When I say who you are', it means everything that you are, encompassed - your morals, values, beliefs, what is important to you, what you believe in, what you would give your life for, what you want your life to be like, and so many things in between. However, in my opinion, your morals and values never change after they are cemented. These are things that are ingrained in you from the moment that you have an ability to understand what they even mean. Morals and values shape who you are before you even know what they truly mean, but as you grow older, they shape every fiber of your being and allow you to focus on the life that you wish to live.
Ever since I can remember (from probably five years old or maybe even a little younger), certain morals and values (and the importance of them) were explained to me by various key figures in my life, in hopes of me taking them in and administering them in my own life from then throughout the journey of my life. The main one, of course, was faith - that my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, had died on the cross for me, and all that I had to do - was to simply believe in my heart that he had done just that - and believe in my heart that my sins were forgiven, and everything else would fall into place. It was that easy! And, guess what? I did just that - I believed in my heart, I began with a somewhat childish faith (of course, I was a child), but have now much later down the road been on a tremendous journey of faith throughout the valleys of my life that I know I would never be able to do or overcome without that grace of God. Of course, I could have still lived through these challenges- but I would have never been able to remain the genuine, caring person that I remain to this day and still contribute all of my success and livelihood to God. And, even though the latest journey of my life for a period somehow convinced me that I was not worthy of his grace or love, I have finally overcome my shadows and am able to love again. And ohhhh my, how great it is to say that.
My problem my entire life (until about a year ago) was that I was so focused on pleasing everyone else that I seemed to forget what my goals and aspiraritions were - what was really important to me in the long run. I know that is because I am naturally a people pleaser, and have an overwhelming tendency to want to make other people happy (without worrying or even thinking of my own happiness). But, as I sit and contemplate exactly what it might have been, it honestly might have been that I wasn't mature or honest enough with myself to bring myself back down to reality for enough time to understand that it is not what everyone else thinks, or what I feel is the "perfect life" - it is what makes me happy, whatever that may be. Happiness is different for everyone, and it seems I was so encompassed for so long on what everyone else's idea of happiness was that I lost touch with myself for way too long. So long, that I made mistakes and hurt people along the way.
When I woke up, I was married, going through the "perfect life", happy on the outside, but deep down, had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. Once I was honest with myself, I realized that - unfortunately, for the majority (if not all) of my "adult" life, I had been so focused on achieving and living the goals of what I thought people would think I was supposed to do, that I had no idea of who I was! I had pulled off the perfect wedding, the perfect job, and perfect house- what is perfect anyway?! I had worked so hard, and so long - but had no idea of what I really wanted - ME - not everybody else!
And then, the divorce happened, of course many things led up to this, but it was inevitable. This was the worse pain I have ever been through in my life, heartbreak, denial, sadness, -- but worst of all, letting everyone else down! How dare I! Which in my mind, is why I did not feel I now deserve happiness after all of the challenges that I have endured. Don't get me wrong - I know that compared to many people's life, I have had a great life. I always had everything that I needed (and a lot of what I wanted) growing up, and never had to technically go without anything that was a core necessity. I went through a very dark part of my life, I had no idea where I was heading, or what my future would hold. However, leading up to my divorce and immediately following my divorce, I felt in my heart that I had hurt someone so bad (my ex-husband) that in my mind, did not deserve to be hurt, that how dare I try to be happy again, so soon! And how did I ever dare to even think about marrying again! Marriage is supposed to be forever. How could I give up so easy! Didn't I care enough about my faith to try more than I did? So many thoughts were running through my head.....I was driving myself crazy! Alcohol numbed the pain, but it would come back the next day. I knew that I was following my heart and doing the right thing according to what my conscience told me to do, but that still didn't stop the agonizing guilt and pain from straying from that perfect life and hurting someone who never saw the hurt coming...
But I finally did know one thing for certain - I was finally following my heart. It's a very extraordinatry feeling when you follow your heart - no matter how scary it may be, or how unsure you may be of the consequences of your actions, you have a strange sense of peace that in the end, everything will be fine. I feel that is God's discernment of your sitatuion on your spirit and the assuredness that everyone will work itself out, because your heart is leading you in the right direction. That's why, most recently, I have decided that from my experience and widsom of my life extravaganzas, I will offer the "follow your heart" speech to anyone that ever wants my advice or input. You can follow your head and be smart - but, follow your heart - and be happy! That is so true.
Fast Forward - one year: I have found the man of my dreams. My heart tells me that I am not worthy and do not deserve love, or how dare I have the audacity to make another lifetime promise. But everything in my being tells me that I am on cue this time. It's completely different. I don't care what everyone thinks, I love this man with every part of me times infinity. Everybody deserves a second chance. After many therapy sessions I have determined (with others help and God's forgiveness) that if I do not forgive myself, how can I accept God's forgiveness?
That's the beauty of God's grace and forgiveness - even if at the time that we are in our darkest hour, we feel that there is no humanly possible way for us to make it through the madness and come through the other side, with perseverance and faith, we can make it through anything.
I'm sure I will go through many other trials and tribulations in my lifetime - after all, thats what these wordly struggles are consumed with - but the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it's a new year, I have loved again - and I am READY FOR 2011!!
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